A Deep and Meaningful Interaction With a Computer Parts Vendor

Support: ACME Computers how may I help you?

Me: Hi I’m calling about an order I placed last week. It hasn’t been shipped and I’ve gotten radio silence from customer support over email.

Support: What’s the order number?

Me: [Order Number]

Support: [Order Number]???

Me: …Yes?

Support: Okay please hold.

[Long annoying vibro-synth hold music break later]

Support: Okay I’m going to transfer you to someone who can help you.

[More hold music, then silence]

Me: Hello?

Support: Hello?

Me: Hello?

Support: Hi… Who are you calling for?

Me: Someone just transferred me here.

Support: What do you need?

Me: Help with an order.

Support: OK.

Me: Is this ACME Computers?

Support: Yeah. Hang on let me transfer you to someone who can help you.

Me: Okay… Who am I speaking to right now so I can tell the next person I spoke to?

Support: This is [name]. Tell them not to transfer you to me.

[More hold music, then click, disconnected].


[Calls again. Yet more vibro-synth hold music. It sounds like the demo song on a 90s Casio synth]

IVR Lady: You are now first in line and your call will be answered by the first available representative!

[13 more minutes of Casio demo track loop. Kill me.]

[Click. Disconnected.]

[Calls again. Same pony show. Doot dee doo, hold music. Now I’m humming along. My new favorite song.]

[Noon strikes. The hold music changes]

IVR Lady: You will be transferred to the sales department.

Support: ACME computers.

Me: Hi–I called and then got transferred to [Name] and then [Name] said he was going to transfer me but then hung up. So that’s where I’m at right now.

Support: [Name] actually answered the phone?

Me: What? Yes, he answered the phone. I called-

Support: Is this Brendan?

Me: No this is Ben.

Support: I knew it started with a B. So, [Name] is actually the only person who can help you. So we know you placed the order and we know you placed the order because we see the confirmation, but it’s not in our database.

Me: OK.

Support: So I’m going to reach out to [Name] and [Other Name] and put our CEO on the email and–are you okay with calling us?

Me: Is there any way I can call you and not hear the hold music because it’s driving me nuts.

Support: You can have my personal number. It’s xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Me: And who am I speaking to?

Support: [Name, the person I spoke to over email who’s been ignoring my emails for two days, and who is also the CRO.]. Call me back in like a half hour?

Me: OK! Talk to you then.

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